Simon & Kara Hate Each Other! Yay!

I have no link to where this article came from. Boo me

January 22nd, 2009 at 11:00 by Stuart Heritage

It's no secret that new American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi might be the person to kill the show forever.

You see, American Idol viewers loved the previous `idiot idiot arsehole' judging dynamic. And roping in a vowelly nobody to be the superfluous fourth judge seemed like folly. Or at least it did, until this week's American Idol, which mostly seemed to be about Kara DioGuardi fighting with Simon Cowell in an argument that can only end with bloodshed and grisly death.

Or lots of angry sex on the American Idol judging desk. God, we hope it's the death one.

American Idol needed to change this year, everyone could see that. The show's previous `laugh at the potentially disabled' angle sort of wore itself out when that Paul Abdul fan topped herself in November, which is why everyone promised that this would be the nicest American Idol ever.

Trouble is, American Idol thrives on nastiness. Take away American Idol's nastiness and what have you got? Four million hours of wet-faced nimrods trying to fit as many notes as they can into an arbitrarily-chosen Stevie Wonder song, that's what. And, seriously, who'd be stupid enough to watch that?

So if the American Idol judges can't be nasty to their glaringly subliterate contestants, who can they be nasty to? Why, each other of course. Or at least they would be, were it not for the fact that two-thirds of the American Idol judging staff find nastiness impossible because Randy Jackson still seems to be buzzing from a childhood Tartrazine overdose and Paula Abdul has never used a fully-coherent word in her entire life.

And that's why this season of American Idol has introduced a fourth judge in Kara DioGuardi, a songwriter who appears to have got a bit greedy on her last trip to the vowel factory. Up until this week's American Idol, Kara seemed like a genuinely pointless addition to the judging panel - she's actually nice to people, plus she keeps insisting that they follow their dreams, which always tends to make us involuntarily bring a little vomit up into the back of our throat.

But on this week's American Idol auditions in San Francisco, Kara DioGuardi finally started to make sense. That's because, as People reports, Kara DioGuardi quite clearly hates Simon Cowell:

Kara (frustrated by one of Simon's decisions): "You have a heart of COLD." Simon (unmoved): "I have a REALISTIC heart." It reached a peak of sorts with the bizarre audition of Akilah Askew-Ghoulston. She hung on for so long… Kara finally hugged her and gently but firmly shoved her in the direction of the door. Then she turned on Simon: "How can you yell at certain people and then certain people you let run on?"

Actually, this inter-judge bickering might be just what American Idol needs. After all, Simon Cowell does love strong women, which is why he always surrounds himself with people like Sharon Osbourne, Cheryl Cole and Louis Walsh.

And also, if this sniping continues to escalate, there's a very good possibility that one of the live American Idol shows will end with Kara DioGuardi disemboweling Simon Cowell with an axe. And, you know, if you're going to be dragged into a police van cackling like a maniac about anything, it may as well be that.